


Take a Deep Breath

by L122YTorch (orphan_account)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Depression, F/M, Medication, One Night Stands, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 12:15:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9820142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/L122YTorch
Summary: Liv attempts to deal in the wake of Elliot's absence.





	1. Chapter 1

The day Olivia walked into work to the sight of Elliot’s empty desk was the worst day of her life. 

He gave no warning…they had no goodbyes…and it left a gaping hole in Olivia’s life. It felt like someone had scooped out her insides and now she just walked around without them. Lucky for her, she was in a line of work that didn’t require a lot of smiling…but she would plaster them on whenever the situation called for it.

The worst part was that it wasn’t getting better. Even a year later…two years later…three years later, she would still turn the corner and expect to see his face. She would still check her email and expect to see his name. She dialed his number but it was disconnected.

Did she mean that little to him? That she wasn’t even worth a goodbye. Not worth a call or a text or anything. Just silence. 

Granted, she was a detective, she could find him if she really wanted to. Well, she did really want to…but obviously he didn’t want to be found.

So she went through the motions as days went by, the sting still an open wound, even as days and weeks and months passed. The depression only festered, fueled by her PTSD from being sexually assaulted. And who did she have to talk to? No one. Not really.

With a heavy sigh she climbed the stairs to her apartment. It was raining outside and the bright flashes of brilliant light were accompanied by roaring claps of thunder. Finally, she reached the door, pulling out her keys and slipping inside, closing the door with a thud, leaning against it. 

The apartment was dark…empty…full of memories she would rather forget. But I suppose you can’t be truly alone if ghosts follow you everywhere you go.

She flipped the lights on and walked towards the bathroom. Making a B-line for the medicine cabinet, she opened the mirrored door and stared at the familiar orange bottles that greeted her. She reached for the Lexapro, twisting the cap off and dry swallowing the little pill. She was supposed to take it with food but had little appetite, besides, the rich brown cabinets in the kitchen only housed Ramen, bread and peanut butter. She subsisted on take out due to her perpetual work schedule. 

She shut the cabinet.

Her hands met with the cool white porcelain of the sink, putting her weight on her tired arms she looked in the mirror. Her hair was still pulled neatly back in a ponytail, her makeup remained in place, but was a poor concealer for her emotions. Dark bags formed under her sleepless eyes, her cheeks thinned in the places that longed for real meals, her lips were cracked from biting them. It felt like this sadness was eating her alive.

How do you describe that feeling to someone? How can you explain what it feels like to lose a part of yourself again and again until you’re not sure what exactly it is that you’re left with. Work only went so far as a distraction and lately she’d been drinking more, sleeping more, escaping more.

She pressed her cool forehead against the mirror and considered the orange bottles inside. She paused, once again biting her upper lip, she longed for relief…longed for more sleep. She shouldn’t take a Xanax now…she didn’t really need it…but fuck it. She slipped a finger beneath the cabinet, opening it once more and popping the differently shaped pill in her mouth.

Her clothes smelled like smoke and sweat and the tears of victims so she practically ripped them off. 

Liv reached for the cool metal knob of the shower and turned the temperature to a scalding degree. Showers are where she went to recoup, to recover, to get away from the cold concrete world that whirred with sirens and cries. 

She stepped inside, watch still on, hair still in a ponytail, earrings still in. It’s hard to go through the motions when you don’t care enough…

With a quick motion she let her hair down and ran her fingers through the brown locks that fell around her shoulders. The water scolded, the pain a welcome reminder of being alive. Her porcelain skin rebelled against the heat, leaving bright pinkish red streaks down her body where the liquid lingered for too long. 

Fuck…even now all she could think was how badly she wished someone…Elliot…was here with her now. They had worked for so long saving other people…rescuing strangers…and now that it was her needing rescued, he was nowhere to be found.

Did she mean that little? Was she that insignificant? 

Tears feel less vulnerable in a shower where they mix with the water and are washed away. 

She stayed in the shower for far too long…likely shampooing her hair twice because she forgot whether or not she had already done it. The medicine made her numb. Those were the options: 1) hurt or 2) be numb.

Finally she stepped out of the shower, her skin bright pink, the pads of her fingers turned to bunched up prunes. She toweled off quickly as the familiar buzz settled deep in her skull, making her want to sleep. She put her wet hair back in a pony tail, left her dirty clothes on the floor, threw on whatever pajamas were at the top of the drawer and climbed into bed.

The storm outside had reached a fever pitch. Rain beat against the glass of her bedroom window and drowned out the noises of the city. Each burst of lightning lit up the small space around her. Liv’s mind was floating…drifting…adrift…ignoring the apocalyptic scene outside.

As the sound of it rocked her to sleep she wondered if she’d wake up in the morning…she wondered who would miss her if she didn’t. It was a dark thought, dark enough to make her turn her back to her nightstand, where her glock resided. She shouldn’t be alone, but where else could she go?

To sleep.

That’s where.


	2. Chapter 2

The storm eventually subsided and Olivia awoke to a dark room. Through tired eyes she peered over at the neon green numbers on her alarm clock. It was 2:30 in the morning. The Xanax must have worn off…shit.

She sighed and clutched at the blankets, pulling them up around her tight. She was freezing. Fuck, she went to bed with wet hair. Shaking with cold she quickly got up and went into the bathroom. The light overhead seemed brighter than the sun itself. She grappled with her hairdryer, got it plugged in and aimed the hot air at her still wet hair.

Even with the blast of heat she felt freezing cold. Surely she would get sick after this…fantastic. 

She flipped the switch off and set the dryer down. With a yawn she walked into her kitchen, being led by her boisterous stomach, but her hands didn’t find much there. She smeared some peanut butter on a piece of bread and walked back to her room as she ate.

Now she was wide awake.

What to do at 3am? 

She grabbed her laptop and opened it. All the usual tabs were open…iTunes, Netflix, Spotify, Chrome, Word…she wasn’t sure what she was going to do on the laptop, but somehow the crystal glow of the screen made her feel less alone. Sometimes she would fall asleep with it open, watching something like the X-Files. Some nights she’d leave the hall light on. Other nights she’d leave the TV on. Silence and darkness were her enemy.

Before she knew it, an hour had gone by just goofing around on the internet. And somehow she managed to end up on a dating site. It was one of those things that her friend encouraged her to set up, but she seldom checked it out. It was good for a laugh though…some of the messages guys sent her were absurd. 

Dating felt impossible for Liv. Spare time was something she seldom had and trust issues she had in abundance. If a bond like hers and Elliot’s could just be tossed in the trash after knowing each other for a decade…

“God, stop thinking of El,” she chastised herself. She needed a very real, very male distraction, which is what spurred her onto this fucking dating site.

Sure she had a drawer full of toys and a very skilled hand, but it didn’t compare to having a real interaction with a human being. Working in sex crimes she knew exactly how risky one night stands were…but as she stared at Rob’s picture online…well…she didn’t really give a fuck about risks anymore. And she knew going into this…talking to him…that he would be just a temporary fixture…no feelings involved. So against her better judgement, she replied to Rob online again and again until their conversation turned to talks of him seeing her the next night.

She agreed.

Maybe she had lost her fucking mind. It was entirely possible. This was dangerous but she was more than well equipped to take care of herself if he did turn out to be some ballistic, sadistic, serial killer. Shit, he wasn’t even from New York City, he lived in the suburbs and was just here for the weekend.

But somehow that made it better. She knew she wasn’t going to just bump into him at Starbucks randomly someday. He was here sporadically, periodically, and that’s exactly what she needed.

Man…his picture was…enticing… to say the least. Muscles rippled from his broad shoulders down his torso. He was in his mid thirties, an Army veteran with a smile that could make any woman swoon. His responses were timely, witty, and seemed sincere. She could already imagine the taste of his skin as she would kiss each of his tattoos. 

This was good. Distraction was good. He was a complete stranger, she didn’t even know him, but she wasn’t sure she knew herself either…so what the hell.

 

It was nearing 3:30 in the morning and Liv had to get up at 5:30 for work. Reluctantly she shut her laptop and stretched out in her queen size bed. Yawning, she turned over and buried her heavy head in the pillow. Just the prospect of a warm body in her bed made her smile and slip off to sleep.


End file.
